I know that my past and my being with men has raised some questions on whether I am actually a lesbian. I’m not surprised that rumors of whether I am lying about my identity spread like disease from a rotting corpse. It seems strange for my, a woman-aligned person’s, sexuality to warp and shift into its truest form, especially with the existence of insecure men and their deep-rooted expectations that women exist to please them.
But you haven’t heard my side.
As some of you may know, I have struggled with self-harm and suicidal tendencies. I’d often use this to bully myself into liking men. For every passing thought that I just might be a lesbian, one slice in my arm. For every boy I chose out of my English class and forced myself to have a crush on, I’d allow for one day to let the cuts heal.
Fast forward to grade 9. I’m dating a boy and have come to terms with the fact that everything feels forced, that I’m faking it, that I was only putting up with mental abuse to prove to myself that I could love men. That I could please them. That “Yes Uncle, I did grow up to be a heartbreaker.” That with the existence of this boy, there was no room in my heart left for loving women. I would spill every inch of my pride into the toilet at night so I could muster the audacity to be someone I wasn’t. To convince myself I was happy.
I wasn’t. And it sucks that I have to share such a vulnerable part of my life, my trauma, to have my voice heard and validated.
It took many months of pacing back and forth in my room, crying into my pillow, writing and venting to the people I love most in this world in order to come to terms with who I am. I have never loved myself more than I do today, tomorrow, and the day after that. Every day, I am so fucking proud that I’m brave enough to speak my truth and be who I am in a world that demonizes women for liking women. In a world that is heteronormative and quite frankly, suffocating. I am SO. FUCKING. PROUD. Proud that I am me, proud that I am self-accepting, proud that I am lesbian. Proud that I can stand up in front of the world and scream that shit as loud as possible. I’m lesbian. And that is my story.
